There comes a point when you realize you can spend your entire life trying to change things that were never yours to control. Replaying conversations, wishing you had handled things differently, wondering what everyone else is thinking, apologize a hundred times, explain your heart until you have nothing left to say, wish people would see your intentions instead of your mistakes, wish the past had gone differently, wish someone would forgive you, wish a relationship looked the way it used to, wish you could go back and make different choices. But, wishing doesn't change what already happened, worrying doesn't give you control over what happens next, this has been a hard lesson for me lately. I'm learning that acceptance doesn't mean I'm okay with everything that has happened or that I don't care and it doesn't mean I stop loving people, stop trying, or stop hoping. It simply means I have to stop fighting reality, some things are out of my hands. Other peoples feelings and choices are out of my hands, how quickly someone heals is out of my hands, whether someone trusts me again is out of my hands, the past is out of my hands, and the outcome I desperately want is out of my hands. That doesn't mean I do  nothing, it means I finally understand where my energy belongs. I can control how I show up, whether I am kind, telling the truth, taking responsibility for my mistakes, keeping my promises, choosing patience when I want to react, keep growing when no one is watching, showing up with love even when things are uncomfortable and that's enough for today. I don't think healing is always some huge breakthrough where everything suddenly makes sense, for me healing looks like getting up in the morning and choosing to do the next right thing, it's letting someone have their feelings without trying to convince them they're wrong, it's giving someone space without assuming that space means they don't care, apologizing without demanding forgiveness in return, loving someone without trying to control how they love you back, accepting that you can't rewrite yesterday while still choosing to make today different, learning that I don't have to fix everything to prove that I care. I don't have to have all the answers, I just have to keep showing up where I can. Show up honestly, gently, consistently, when its hard, when nobody notices. Show up for the people that I love, but also show up for myself. There is a version of me who needs to stop living in yesterday, stop living today by what happened before, understand that making mistakes doesn't mean I'm incapable of becoming better, I can't change who I was. But I can decide who I am becoming. Grace doesn't erase the past, It gives us permission to stop letting the past decide everything about our future, I'm learning to loosen my grip, stop chasing what I cannot force. Stop asking myself "How do I make this turn out the way I want?" and start asking, "Who do I want to be while I'm walking through this?" I may not get to choose the circumstances or how people respond or the ending, but I do get to choose how I show up. That's all I need to focus on, not everything I can't change but everything that I can, one choice, one day, one little step at a time. Maybe just showing up is the beginning of becoming who I was always meant to be

Maybe you've felt it, that little feeling that something is missing. Not necessarily that your life is bad, maybe from the outside things look normal, going to work, taking care of your family, cleaning your house, paying your bills, showing up for people. Some where in the middle of all that you find yourself thinking "Is there supposed to be more than this?" I had been feeling that. I've been thinking about Jesus a lot more, and honestly I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't have a perfect faith story, I don't know the bible front to back, I don't always know how or what to pray, I have questions, I've had doubts, I have days where I feel so close to God and days I wonder if I'm doing any of it right. I think that's the point, maybe searching for Jesus doesn't start with having everything figured out, maybe it just starts with being honest enough to say "Jesus I want to know you." That's where I'm at, I'm tired, tired of trying to control everything, tired of worrying about what everyone thinks, tired of carrying guilt, of replaying things I've done and wishing I could go back, and looking for peace in things that only seem to give me peace for a little while. Honestly, I'm tired of trying to be enough on my own, maybe you've felt that, you've tried finding happiness in relationships, money, success, how you look, what people think of you. That's where Jesus keeps coming into my mind, not as someone waiting to tell me everything I've done wrong, but as someone I'm starting to wonder if I've been looking for this whole time, and that's a little scary. Part of my always felt like I needed to get my life together first, be better, pray better, stop messing up, stop having struggles, know more about the bible, then maybe I can really come to Jesus. But, the more I learn, the more I think I had it backwards.  You don't have to clean yourself up before going to him, you go to him because you can't always clean yourself up on your own, and that's comforting. I have plenty of things I wish I could change, things I'm embarrassed about, things I wish I'd handled differently, moments where I wasn't the person I wanted to be, Jesus already knows all of it. So why am I trying to hide? Maybe I can just bring him all of it. The good, bad, embarrassing stuff, questions, guilt, anger, anxiety, thing's I'm proud of and things I'm not. You can show up exactly as you are, I also am learning that searching for Jesus doesn't automatically mean I'm gonna feel different, I think I expected that. Like one day I'll pray and suddenly I'll feel this huge sense of peace and everything will make sense, and maybe that does happen for some people. It hasn't happened that way for me, some times I pray and still feel anxious, some times I read a part of the bible and don't understand anything I've read, some times I wonder if God is really listening to me, I've realized that not feeling some thing doesn't mean nothing is happening. Relationships take time, if I wanted to become friends with someone I wouldn't expect to know everything about them after one conversation, I'd spend time with them, talk, listen, learn, I'd come back. Maybe getting to know Jesus is like that, it isn't about a perfect prayer or suddenly knowing everything, it's just trusting him and coming back. Open the bible even when you don't understand it, pray even when it feels awkward, go to church even when you feel like you don't quite belong yet, ask questions, talk to people who know more than you do, just continue to seek him. I think some times we probably make it way more complicated than it needs to be, you don't need perfect words, your prayer can literally be "Jesus, I don't know what I'm doing, but I want to know you. Please, help me." That's a prayer I can pray because its honest. Honesty seems like the best place to start. If you're reading this and you're thinking you want to know Jesus but you don't know where to start, I want you to know you aren't alone. You can't compare your faith to the person sitting next to you at church, to someone who's been a Christian for 30 years, you don't have to have a perfect story, or pretend you're okay when you aren't, you definitely don't have to be perfect before you start searching. Just start. Open your bible, say a prayer, talk to Jesus like you're talking to a friend, keep showing up. Some days you might feel something, some days maybe not. Some days you'll feel like you're growing, other days you'll wonder if you're getting any where at all. That's okay. Faith doesn't have to be this big beautiful, emotional experience, it can be just choosing to keep looking. Keep asking, praying, coming back, that's where I am. I am not claiming to have it all figured out, I'm searching for peace, Jesus and something deeper than what the world keeps telling me what should make me happy. I'm in a season of just coming to him, with my questions, with my mess, with my past, my doubts, just coming exactly as I am. That's my first step, and that's enough for today, and tomorrow I keep searching, that's where grace grows.

I think one of the hardest parts of becoming a better person is being honest with yourself about the ways you haven't always been your best. It's easy to look back on things we've said or done and wish we could take them back, maybe we said something we didn't really mean because we were angry, maybe we spoke before thinking, maybe we hurt someone because we were hurting ourselves. Sometimes our emotions get the best of us and words come out that don't reflect what is actually in our hearts. Here's something I'm learning, making mistakes doesn't make you a bad person, refusing to learn from them does. Growing means being willing to look at yourself honestly. It means saying, "I shouldn't have said that." It means admitting, "I handled that wrong." It means being able to apologize without adding excuses or blaming someone else. Sometimes it means accepting that an apology doesn't automatically erase the hurt we caused and we can't control how quickly someone forgives us or how they feel about us afterward. All we can control is what we do differently moving forward. I've had moments where I've said things I wish I could take back. Things that came from anger, fear, frustration, or simply not knowing how to communicate what I was actually feeling, the truth is sometimes the words weren't even what I truly meant. I've learned that "I didn't mean it" doesn't always mean the other person wasn't hurt by it. That's where growth comes in. I don't want to use my mistakes as a reason to hate myself, I want to use them as opportunities to become someone I'm proud of.  I want to pause before I react I want to learn how to communicate instead of attack I want to stop letting temporary emotions make permanent damage I want to be softer with people, but also more accountable And most importantly I want my actions to eventually speak louder than the mistakes I've made in the past Becoming a better person doesn't happen overnight, It's not about suddenly never getting angry, never saying the wrong thing, or never making another mistake, it's about catching yourself sooner, it's about recognizing your patterns, it's about apologizing when you're wrong, it's about doing the uncomfortable work of changing, sometimes growth looks like realizing that the version of you who made certain mistakes was doing the best they knew how at the time. That doesn't excuse the mistake, but it can help you understand it and understanding yourself is where change begins. I don't want to spend my life wishing I could go back and change everything I've done wrong, I want to take what I've learned and let it change who I become because  the goal isn't to become someone who has never messed up, the goal is to become someone who learns, grows, takes responsibility, gives grace, and keeps trying to do better.I'm still learning. I'm still growing. I'm still making mistakes. I'm also becoming a better version of myself and I think there's something beautiful about that.