Lately, I've been learning a lesson that I really wish came a little easier to me: I can't control everything. Honestly? I am not good at accepting that. When something is bothering me, my first instinct is to think about it over and over, what could I have done differently? What should I say? Should I reach out? Should I explain myself again? What are they thinking? What if things never get better? I drive myself absolutely crazy trying to figure out things I have no control over. I'm realizing that sometimes there isn't anything else I can say or do, when I've already apologized, already explained, I've done what I can and the rest is up to someone else and that's extremely hard for me. When you care about something or someone you want to fix it, you want to make things better, you want people to understand your heart, you want to be able to go back and change the things you wish you had done differently. But we don't get to go back, I can't change yesterday, change how someone feels about me, make someone forgive me or trust me, make someone see things how I see them. As hard as it is, it's something I'm learning to accept. It doesn't mean I don't care or I'm giving up, it doesn't mean I stop becoming a better person, it means I have to stop trying to control the parts that aren't mine. I've been thinking about what it really means to let go, not just people or situations, but all the little things I carry in my head everyday. I'm learning not everyone needs to understand me, needing people to see I have good intentions, needing to explain myself over and over because I'm afraid someone has the wrong idea about me, wanting people to respond the way I would, let go of expecting everyone to care as deeply as I do. Honestly, some times I make myself absolutely miserable trying to read between the lines, a text, a look, someone being quite, someone not reaching out, someone sitting some where else. Suddenly my mind has created an entire story that may not even be true, I'm learning to let go of that. To stop filling in the blanks with the worst possible answer, to letting go of the past, not because it didn't matter, but because I can't keep living there. I can regret things without punishing myself forever for them, I can wish I had made different choices without spending every day wishing I could go back, I  can admit that I messed up and still believe I'm capable of doing better. I'm learning to let go of the idea that healing has to happen quickly, some things take time, trust takes time, forgiveness takes time. I'm learning to let go of perfection, my house doesn't have to be spotless, my life doesn't have to look perfect, I don't have to have everything figured out. I don't have to wake up every day feeling motivated, happy, and confident, some times getting through the day is enough. I'm learning to stop comparing my life to everyone else's around me, the family who looks perfect online, the women who seems like she has it all together, the friend who seems so much happier, the person who seems further ahead, I don't know what happens behind everyone else's closed doors and they don't know what happens behind mine. I'm learning to let go of the idea that I need to make everyone happy, I could completely bend myself in half and still disappoint someone. Someone will always have an opinion, someone will always misunderstand something, someone won't like a choice I made, and that's okay. I'm learning that being a good person doesn't mean everyone has to like me, I'm learning to let go of guilt that no longer serves a purpose. There is a huge difference between feeling guilty because you did something wrong and continuing to punish yourself long after you've taken responsibility. I intend to learn from my mistakes, not build a home in them. That's the biggest thing I'm learning to let go of, the idea that I have to control how everything turns out. I don't. I can do my part, show up, love my people, apologize, make better choices, work on myself, practice patience, keep trying and eventually release the rest. Some things just simply are not mine to control, letting go isn't giving up its finally realizing I don't have to carry everything. Some things just are what they are, some questions don't need answers, some conversations don't need to happen, some people need space, some things need time. And some things are going to work themselves out without me constantly trying to make them. So, I'm learning. Slowly, imperfectly. Some days I hold on too tightly, and some days I manage to let a little more go, but I'm trying. I'm trying to stop fighting things I can't change and start putting that energy into the things I actually can.