Maybe you've felt it, that little feeling that something is missing. Not necessarily that your life is bad, maybe from the outside things look normal, going to work, taking care of your family, cleaning your house, paying your bills, showing up for people. Some where in the middle of all that you find yourself thinking "Is there supposed to be more than this?" I had been feeling that. I've been thinking about Jesus a lot more, and honestly I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't have a perfect faith story, I don't know the bible front to back, I don't always know how or what to pray, I have questions, I've had doubts, I have days where I feel so close to God and days I wonder if I'm doing any of it right. I think that's the point, maybe searching for Jesus doesn't start with having everything figured out, maybe it just starts with being honest enough to say "Jesus I want to know you." That's where I'm at, I'm tired, tired of trying to control everything, tired of worrying about what everyone thinks, tired of carrying guilt, of replaying things I've done and wishing I could go back, and looking for peace in things that only seem to give me peace for a little while. Honestly, I'm tired of trying to be enough on my own, maybe you've felt that, you've tried finding happiness in relationships, money, success, how you look, what people think of you. That's where Jesus keeps coming into my mind, not as someone waiting to tell me everything I've done wrong, but as someone I'm starting to wonder if I've been looking for this whole time, and that's a little scary. Part of my always felt like I needed to get my life together first, be better, pray better, stop messing up, stop having struggles, know more about the bible, then maybe I can really come to Jesus. But, the more I learn, the more I think I had it backwards.  You don't have to clean yourself up before going to him, you go to him because you can't always clean yourself up on your own, and that's comforting. I have plenty of things I wish I could change, things I'm embarrassed about, things I wish I'd handled differently, moments where I wasn't the person I wanted to be, Jesus already knows all of it. So why am I trying to hide? Maybe I can just bring him all of it. The good, bad, embarrassing stuff, questions, guilt, anger, anxiety, thing's I'm proud of and things I'm not. You can show up exactly as you are, I also am learning that searching for Jesus doesn't automatically mean I'm gonna feel different, I think I expected that. Like one day I'll pray and suddenly I'll feel this huge sense of peace and everything will make sense, and maybe that does happen for some people. It hasn't happened that way for me, some times I pray and still feel anxious, some times I read a part of the bible and don't understand anything I've read, some times I wonder if God is really listening to me, I've realized that not feeling some thing doesn't mean nothing is happening. Relationships take time, if I wanted to become friends with someone I wouldn't expect to know everything about them after one conversation, I'd spend time with them, talk, listen, learn, I'd come back. Maybe getting to know Jesus is like that, it isn't about a perfect prayer or suddenly knowing everything, it's just trusting him and coming back. Open the bible even when you don't understand it, pray even when it feels awkward, go to church even when you feel like you don't quite belong yet, ask questions, talk to people who know more than you do, just continue to seek him. I think some times we probably make it way more complicated than it needs to be, you don't need perfect words, your prayer can literally be "Jesus, I don't know what I'm doing, but I want to know you. Please, help me." That's a prayer I can pray because its honest. Honesty seems like the best place to start. If you're reading this and you're thinking you want to know Jesus but you don't know where to start, I want you to know you aren't alone. You can't compare your faith to the person sitting next to you at church, to someone who's been a Christian for 30 years, you don't have to have a perfect story, or pretend you're okay when you aren't, you definitely don't have to be perfect before you start searching. Just start. Open your bible, say a prayer, talk to Jesus like you're talking to a friend, keep showing up. Some days you might feel something, some days maybe not. Some days you'll feel like you're growing, other days you'll wonder if you're getting any where at all. That's okay. Faith doesn't have to be this big beautiful, emotional experience, it can be just choosing to keep looking. Keep asking, praying, coming back, that's where I am. I am not claiming to have it all figured out, I'm searching for peace, Jesus and something deeper than what the world keeps telling me what should make me happy. I'm in a season of just coming to him, with my questions, with my mess, with my past, my doubts, just coming exactly as I am. That's my first step, and that's enough for today, and tomorrow I keep searching, that's where grace grows.