Lately, I've been trying to find my footing again. Honestly I'm not sure how to explain it. Life has felt so much different than my "normal" for a while now. I've been through a lot of changes, made mistakes, made choices I wish I could go back and change, and there has been moments where I've looked at my life and thought "how did I even get here?" I don't have a perfect answer to that, I do know that I'm so ready to find my way back. Not to the exact person I was, but back to the parts of myself that I lost some where along the way. I'm not going to pretend I didn't make mistakes, I think one of the hardest parts of growing is being honest with yourself. Not just about what others did, but what you did too. I've made mistakes, I've made decisions based on emotions, I've reacted when I should have taken a step back, I've said things I wish I could take back, I've hurt people I love, I've handled situations differently than I wish I had, there are certainly things I wish I could redo. For a while, I've let those mistakes consume me. Replayed conversations, thought about what I should have said, what I could have done differently, what could have happened if I made a different choice. Truth is, I can't change any of it. I can only decide what I do now. I can keep punishing myself for the person I was during some of my worst moments, or I can learn from her. I'm learning the difference between guilt and growth. I don't want to excuse my mistakes, I don't want to pretend they don't matter, I want to acknowledge that I  did hurt people, that I've been wrong and learn how to handle situations differently. I also don't want to spend the rest of my life believing that my worst moments are the only things that define me. I am allowed to grow, I'm allowed to change, I'm allowed to become better and I'm allowed to forgive myself for not knowing then what I know now. I think that's what grace really starts to look like, not pretending I didn't mess up but believing I can become someone better because of what I did. Now I'm trying to find my way back to a normal life, and let me tell you it's been a process. Sometimes "normal" feels strange after you've spent so much time trying to get through things. I'm working on enjoying the little things again, getting up for work, making dinner, cleaning, kid's activities, grocery shopping, working out, taking care of my health, sitting on the couch in the evenings with my husband, overall having a normal day without feeling like I need to solve every problem in my head. Those things might sound so ordinary, but I MISS ordinary. Maybe I don't need some big life transformation or everyone to treat me like I didn't mess up, maybe I just need to get back to every day life. I'm trying to take care of myself again, I've spent so much time worrying about everything else. So I'm starting small. I'm working out again, trying to eat better, drinking more water, keep my things organized, spending more time with God, biggest of all trying to stop obsessing over things I cannot control. I'm trying to remind myself that progress doesn't have to be a dramatic matter, sometimes progress is just getting up and doing the next thing. I want God in this part of my story too, I've spent a lot of time searching for God lately, not because I have everything figured out, honestly it's probably the opposite. I'm searching because I don't, and learning I don't have to come to God perfectly put together. I can come to him messy, confused, regretful, worried, unsure, scared. I can bring him the parts of myself I'm proud of and the parts I'm not and that's all I need right now. I don't want to rebuild my life completely on my own, I want God in the rebuilding. I'm just trying to find my footing again, figure out what life looks like now. I'm trying to take the lessons I've learned and actually use them. Being intentional with the people I love, and just being a better version of myself. I'm trying to make healthier choices, have more patience, stop reacting and start thinking. I'm trying to stop living in the past, and stop being so afraid of the future that I'm missing what's happening right now. I know there are still going to be hard days, days I overthink, question myself, and feel guilty. I'm trying to remember 1 bad day doesn't erase all the good ones. One mistake doesn't erase all the growth, and one chapter doesn't determine how the rest of my story ends. Maybe this is what growing actually looks like. Maybe it isn't becoming this perfectly healed, perfectly happy person who never makes a mistake again. It's becoming someone who knows what to do when she makes them, being someone who can admit when you're wrong, who can apologize, forgive yourself and someone who can get back up. That's where I am right now, finding my way back to a normal life. Being present again, taking care of myself, being okay with everything that went wrong, learning I don't have to have every piece figured out before I can start enjoying the life that's right in front of me. I made mistakes I can't change, and maybe that's the most important part. I'm not starting over as the same person, I'm moving forward as someone who has learned. Someone who has grown, someone who still has a lot of growing left, and I'm okay with it. Because THIS Is Where Grace Grows. Right now, I think grace is growing in me through the messiest, most imperfect parts of my story. One day, one choice and one prayer at a time. Slowly, I am finding my footing again.